HUMANS CAN EAT AND KISS A** AT THE SAME TIME!

Now that I see it, I see it: When I sit down to eat with a stranger, or someone I hope to build a relationship with, I eat with caution. Am I eating too much? Too little? Too fast? I become conscious of my “feeding rate.”

This study shows that, subconsciously, women go into a mimicry mode when they sit down to dine with an unfamiliar woman. They are much more likely to take a bite of food within five seconds of their companion than outside of that window.

The same results have already been found with drinking, even among people watching a movie in which characters drink: Watching another person drink causes you to drink.

The obvious question is: Why?

The authors believe we subconsciously try to build a bond of similarity with the companion:

See? I’m doing everything you do!

And consciously, we endeavor to appear normal to the companion: Under-eaters are not liked in such experiments; and overeaters are seen as gluttons.

As the meal progresses, the mimicry rate drops. Perhaps we know pretty quickly if we’ve been accepted or rejected, or if we simply care more about the ribeye steak than the person watching us eat it.

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DO HUMANS EXHIBIT PROTANDRY?

Protandry: The phenomenon wherein male songbirds start their northward migration before females do. Any idea why the guys would hop off their gorgeous Costa Rican trees and start flying north any earlier than the gals?

Well, there are only so many trees in the cold, nasty north. And a guy who doesn’t stake out a goodly patch of them will not win the heart of a girl.

So the males essentially race each other north in order to stake an attractive claim. The females leave when it suits them and when insects will be popping along the route.

When they arrive, the strongest, most determined males will advertise their environs and win the girls:

Check out this forsythia — so dense, right? And look: private pond.

Is there a human example of protandry? I can’t think of one off hand, and that’s partly because my hand is off: I bit off a hangnail last night, and am now off to the antibiotic store because the finger is fat, red, hot, and quite sore. Crap.

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ANOTHER DISEASE YOU DON’T WANT: NODDING SYNDROME

It sounds benign, right? What’s so bad about nodding? You’d seem agreeable, optimistic. Alas,if you get real nodding syndrome, you probably starve, lose your wits, and die. You are probably under 15.

Reports of nodding syndrome first trickled out of eastern Africa in the 1960s. But a recent cluster of cases in southern Sudan has given the disorder a home on the globe. Thousands of kids from ages 5 to 15 are thought to be infected, or affected, or afflicted — the cause is a Total Mystery. So is the real number of kids affected.

The disease progression is not. A child begins “nodding,” [video] looking like she’s fighting to stay awake. The nodding may be accompanied by seizures.

Oddly, so oddly, seizures are most commonly triggered by feeling cold, and by the anticipation of eating — by seeing food. Curiously, they are not triggered by foods the child doesn’t recognize, like chocolate.

[Wild speculation alert:] So perhaps a brain circuit involved in motivating us to move toward food and other necessities is involved. If chocolate isn’t recognized as food, the motivation circuit will not activate.

This puts me in mind of the “mind control” gang of parasites:

Toxoplasma gondii causes a rat or mouse brain to be attracted to cat pee, which increases the parasite’s odds of being returned to its preferred host for a mating bout.

Larvae of some phorid flies eat enough of their host-ant’s brain that the ant’s body acts only as a living incubator.

Euhaplorchis Californiensis begins life as an egg in bird crap dropped in the water. It eventually enters a killifish through the gills, migrates to the brain, and causes the fish to surface and flap around until it’s eaten by… a bird.

You get the idea: Some parasites remodel the brain, and behavior, of their hosts to suit their own ends.

BUT nobody knows what causes nodding disease. Hypotheses include: exposure to wartime chemicals; exposure to the river blindness parasite; eating seeds treated with pesticides; eating monkeys; [add your guess here].

Nobody also knows: how long a kid typically lives after the syndrome sets in. Since the seizures and nodding start with feeding and stop when feeding stops, kids tend not to eat. The seizures can also result in falling, and serious injuries. The brain slowly shuts down. An MRI study of 10 kids found no smoking gun; EEG detected seizures in some brains. The guesstimate is three years.

You gotta admire the peeps who go study nodding kids, huh? It’s not a disease you’d want to bring back to your own offspring.

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MUMMIES, MONEY, MEAT, AND PROSTATE CANCER

The quote tacked onto this week’s report of an Egyptian mummy with prostate cancer hit me like a slap in the logic bone: “… there were no pollutants or modified foods,” the lead scientist said, thus implicating genes. NO MODIFIED FOODS? THEY ATE EVERYTHING RAW? WTF?

Nothing coats a piece of food — from toast to roast — with mutagenic chemicals quite like a cooking fire. And mutagens are chemicals that mutate your DNA. Roughly one trillion studies now suggest a link between modern-day meat consumption and prostate cancer, so… uh… DUH!

Now, scientists cannot ascertain the pedigree of this particular mummy, “M1.” But regular Working Joe Egyptians were not bundled up in fancy mummy gear when they died. So Mr. M1 Uppercrusty probably had access to plenty of roasted meat, in addition to butter, cheese, and other “modern” killers.

It’s also instructive that the previous “oldest” case of prostate cancer was found up the butt of another rich dude, a 2,700 year old king from now-Russia. Rich people have always had the best access to the carcinogenic “Western Diet” of meat and fat. As has any culture that routinely cooks animals over fire.

And salt: Oldy-time people also preserved fish, meat, and vegetables with salt, since they  lacked ice and refrigerators. Salt: chemical food modifier. Look it up.

And smoke. I don’t know if smoking meat was as common as salting in salt-rich Egypt, but saturating a piece of meat with combustion chemicals is also a very old means of saving food for later.

We already know that roughly one trillion well-off Egyptian mummies are hiding atherosclerosis: hardening arteries, “rich man’s disease.” So, no. Just plain no. Oh, Mighty Isis, there certainly were modified foods in ancient Egypt.

These people knew how to preserve entire, soggy human bodies. They sure as sh*t knew how to preserve food.

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A CAGE-FREE CHICKEN CAN STILL BE A WORRIED CHICKEN

Oops — yet another problem with chicken factories: Even the cage-free life is stressful if the animal can’t satisfy its instinct to hide from predators. In this experiment, giving chickens an opportunity to perch makes them happier.

Typical broiler barns (and cage free laying hen barns) consist of a bazillion chickens on a flat floor, with free access to food and water.

Typical broilers, aka chickens, aka birds, flock to the edges of this pen. Why? Same reason Mafiosos sit with their back to the wall: The fewer angles of approach your enemies have, the better your odds of seeing them.

All prey-type animals can relate to this. It’s why “edge habitat” is so popular: The deer who grazes at the edge of the field has quick access to the woods if wolves or humans turn up. Watch your backyard squirrels and birds for similar behavior: They venture into the “fields” but quickly return to an edge, or a tree, or another shelter.

Anyway, when all the chickens try to get to the walls at the same time, they get overheated and they don’t walk enough to be healthy, and they peck each other out of frustration. It’s like me at the Mall.

So experimenters added an attractive element to the middle of the cage: perches. The perches were low, just 10 cm off the floor, since these birds are made clumsy by their own speedy growth. But they helped.

Heaven only knows what perching does to a bird’s brain. The wrapping of those toes around an object may telegraph the message that the bird is within the protection of tree branches. It may signal that the bird is safe from foxes. It may just exercise muscles that have lain unused.

Whatever the effect on a chicken’s brain, its behavior changes for the better. Animals with access to perches were less aggressive, a sign of inner peace and tranquility. And although the birds ate less, they grew comparably to birds in typical cages. Perhaps their lower stress level allowed more calories to go into growing.

I expect this is the same reason you now find benches and chairs in the Mall: By granting an animal a reprieve from banging into other animals, you improve its tolerance for the environment.

LINGO: Free-range animals have access to outdoors. Cage-free animals are confined to giant pens, instead of torturously tiny cages.

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